Friends, Family, College and Survival

I find it’s in life’s most difficult moments that I’m able to most clearly reflect on what’s important. Family & friends. Through them, all things are possible.

I have been struggling with severe back pain for the last few months. I was diagnosed with Spina-Bifida Occulta in High School - and I always knew that living with chronic back pain was a legitimate possibility for me… I just, never thought it would actually happen. This pain started in late September, and my classmates in each class got used to me doing a wall sit while in class. It was quite literally the only natural remedy I’ve found to put this pain at bay during classtime.

MRI (taken in 2016 and added then) of my spina-bifida occulta.

It feels almost naive for me to say that. In fact, I was called naive by a Lawrence doctor when I asked if it was safe for me to continue working out in my pain. They diagnosed me with a fractured vertebrae and a misaligned spine. The same clinic think I may have contracted Spinal Tuberculosis in Nepal. If I contracted TB, I will no longer be able to teach. Since that time I haven’t been going to classes. It’s hard not to feel like everything I’ve worked for was for naught if I did contract TB. It doesn’t take away my happiness about going to Nepal. That trip changed my life, I’m now just trying to figure out where those changes might lead. (Future EDIT: Tested negative for TB and the misaligned spine was a misdiagnosis. The chronic pain is caused by spinal stenosis, a herniated disc and spinal arthritis).

I have a tendency to close myself during the low times - and this, this was a low time. I stopped leaving my bedroom during the day. It was hard to figure out the point. My parents have continued to be a light in my world. “No matter what, we love you. You will always have a home here.” How can you thank someone for a promise like that? To know that if I do hit bottom, it’s all going to be okay? Love you , Mom. Love you, Dad. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.

My plans to have no plans have been quickly and continuously interrupted by my best friend, Connor. Where do I even start with Connor? I met Connor in Mrs. Bryan’s room on the first day of Kindergarten. We started our friendship by hating each other for the first month of the year. This all changed when we ended up in a line for the same ride at the state fair. We’ve never really looked back since. We went from starting a band, being debate partners, dorming together at KU, adopting a cat together, all the way to traveling beside each other to Nepal and co-founding the Open World Cause. We’re approaching common-law marriage status with how long we’ve lived together, and it’s hard to fully describe Connor’s significance in my life.

Connor and I, 2015 & 2000. Today is Connor’s b-day, btw. Hope it’s an amazing one, my friend.

Connor kicked in my door and told me “we’re going to Pat and Lex’s to watch the Royals.” When I said “no”, he said “Okay, I respect that, now get ready, because we’re going to watch the Royals.” Connor is not nearly the Royals fan that I am, but it didn’t matter, he’s done everything to have made the Royals run to the 2015 World Series unforgettable.

We went to Pat and Lex’s home often - two of Connor’s close friends in the school of architecture. They’re a close knit group who has shared the same architecture cadre for the past few years. Despite me not being in architecture, Pat and Lex have never hesitated to invite me to their home, and they’ve always made me feel like family. This matters to me. For one reason or another I’ve never quite felt at home in my school of education cohort. I know the ideas I present in class are off-kilter, they’re shaped by the experience I have in Project-Based Learning. I’ve presented project ideas that I learned through my work with the Langston Hughes Project, Volunteering at Easter Seals, working at PBL conferences, or through the work I’ve done at OWC. I often try to present these things as cool potential projects we could work on together. I know what I do is different, and often feels weird. It sometimes goes against the grain of what we’re learning. Some of my classmates have asked “do you ever talk about anything else?” when I bring up OWC or PBL, and I get the sense that I’ve rubbed some people the wrong way. Perhaps they view my experience as boasting, or that I’m a grifter, I don’t know. Whenever I ask what I did wrong, I’m told from everyone that they don’t have a problem at all. Maybe it is me. I know part of it is rooted in my own struggle to develop relationships (especially with dudes), a struggle I’ve honestly had since getting bullied in elementary school. But at a certain point, when I see jokes written about me by my college classmates, when I see my ideas get rejected (or outright belittled), it makes me feel like I don’t really have a place in the cohort. Thankfully, I found my place somewhere else.

Me with the architecture crew.

Connor, Pat, Lex, Katie, Kevin, Chris, and their entire architecture cadre have finally made me feel like I’ve truly found myself in college. None of them are Royals fans, but watch the games with me. My buddy Scott has been amazing too. He’s up every other weekend and tends to team up with Connor and getting me out and around. With the arch crew we’ve stormed mass street, ate at fuzzy’s, traveled to KC, and found a place in our college town that I never would have without them. In a time where my physical health is as low as its ever been, where my confidence is lower than its ever been, where I am unsure if the career I’ve been working towards for the last 5 years is even attainable - finding that safety and acceptance means the world.

Last night all stormed Mass Street after the Royals won the 2015 World Series. I called my Mom, the person who made me fall in love with baseball. We experienced some tough times as I grew up. I remember one day coming home without electricity and sitting in my Mom’s car and listening to Denny Matthews call a Royals game. They were losing, and they usually lost. But something about the consistency of baseball in the summer gave a us tradition we’d treasured.

My Mom had me loving the Royals from an early age.

The Royals making the playoffs, much less winning the World Series, was never something we really thought was possible. Baseball was a sport that perhaps thrived most on economic imbalance between their teams. Baseball in October was for the haves, baseball in the Summer was for everyone.

My Mom and I shared a moment of elation over something we never thought we’d see. Seeing something that we once thought would be impossible has made everything else feel possible. In the midst of one of the most difficult stretches of my life, a time where I don’t know what the future holds in terms of my health or career, I’m having one of the happiest days of my whole life - and it wouldn’t have been possible without my family and friends (and the Royals helped too). I truly love you all.

Mass Street in Lawrence, celebrating the Royals winning the World Series.