Finding myself from one of my closest friends

Jake and I seeing a concert at the Grenada in Lawrence.

I have not had the easiest start to college. It’s a hard thing to admit. I always thought college would offer the exact type of freedom that I’ve craved my whole life. But, I often feel like I’m not moving in any direction at all.

This year, I really set out to find my “home” in college. It was a goal of my last blog post of mine. But I just can’t help but feel aimless. I’m going out to Mass Street, and really trying to explore Lawrence, but I still don’t think I’ve found my place.

I have had multiple phone calls with my parents where they have routinely talked me out of dropping out at KU. I just don’t know what I’m seeking here, and I’m acutely aware of how costly my time here has been, especially being at the beginning of year 2 without a clear direction and with no guarantees I’ll be able to graduate in 4. I just don’t have a place here.

I sought out advice from my friend, Jake. Jake and I ended on uneven terms in high school. A lot of it was my fault. Jake and I started the Open World Project together and upon reflection I’ve realized that I was not the easiest person for Jake to work with on that effort. I often put unrealistic standards on myself, and when working with others (this used to be in group projects), I would apply those same unhealthy standards to my partners. Open World was not a traditional group project, though. It wasn’t something that would, at best, result in a slightly different letter on a piece of paper. No. Jake and I’s success meant students in Nepal would have access to laptops and internet access.

It pains me to admit, but the stress of this project caused tension in our friendship, and for us to grow a bit distant when we went to college. Despite being at the same university, things weren’t the same. While I ended high school on a high note, Jake was unhappy with where things were in high school. The moment college arrived, our fortunes flipped. Jake slayed freshman year of college. Taking on open mics, getting out there, meeting people, and walked with a confidence I had never seen from Jake before.

Meanwhile.. I told my friend that I felt like a Lotus Eater by the time April moved around. I was constantly living in my dorm room. Watching netflix, eating microwaved food, and missing class. I was at one of the most powerful institution in the country… and I was just existing there. I wasn’t taking advantage of the incredible opportunities at my disposal. I was just… there. When I saw others on campus, it felt like I was just a spectator to those who were attending college, while I felt like an occupier of that space.

These feelings continued at the start of sophomore year. I reached out to Jake for advice. Jake and I met at Java Break in Lawrence and.. I told them everything. I did not think I had a thing in college, and I wanted to go home. This was a big moment of vulnerability. If Jake wanted t get even for how I acted at the end of high school, this was their chance. Heck, they deserved to, at least a little. I did not like thinking back to this time, and this was Jake’s ultimate opportunity to criticize me over Open World.

Jake did none of that. Jake did the exact opposite. “Ben.” Jake said, “You have your thing. Your thing is Open World. At KU, you could make Open World become something truly amazing.”

I am so lucky to have a friend like Jake. In the week since that time, I have realized Jake is right. I do have my thing at KU, and Open World is going to be amazing here.

Love you, Jake. So thankful to have you in my life.